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Normal Rockwell’s famous painting of a father talking to his son about the birds and the bees represents the way most men feel regarding talking about sex. In the painting, the son is embarrassed out of his mind. The father, while trying to be diplomatic and scientific, feels awkward and inadequate. The picture makes us cringe.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Solomon lived thousands of years before Rockwell. He taught his sons about sex with such skill and warmth that his words are still being read today.
A Father’s Influence
Did you know there’s a whole branch of science that believes a child’s intelligence stems from the mother? I was reading a biography recently on the life of John Leighton Wilson, American missionary to Liberia in the 1800’s. A line in the first chapter struck me: “It is an old adage that the son frequently inherits the moral qualities from the father and the intellectual from the mother.”
I don’t know if this is true, though many on the internet argue for its veracity. What I do know is that fathers heavily influence the morals of their sons. And nowhere else will young men be more greatly tempted to sin than in the area of sexual vices. Fathers must take the lead in teaching and admonishing their sons about the dangers and glories of sex.
Three Common “Don’ts”
Sadly, fathers talking clearly to their sons about sex rarely happens. Men fear the lot of Rockwell’s character. Instead they choose one of three unhelpful routes. The first is Delegation. They assign the responsibility God gave them to someone else. Usually he delegates to Sex Ed class or the boy’s mother or the pastor at church or a book he gives his son to read.
The second is Equivocation. He speaks to Johnny in such ambiguous terms that the son is more confused than when they began. What kind of clothing does a godly girl wear? Dad doesn’t say. What are these new things happening to my body? Father can’t bring himself to explain it. He mumbles something and hopes the son goes away.
The third wrong route is the most common: Evaporation. When it comes to talking about sex to his children, most fathers totally disappear. They want no part in it. They reason: “My parents never talked to me about these things and I turned out alright.” How quickly he’s forgotten the consequences from learning about sex from his buddies and Hollywood movies. He struggled with dirty magazines for years. He made mountains of mistakes with his former girlfriends. He didn’t learn how to treat his wife until a decade into marriage. He still struggles with his thought life. No, evaporation is a bad option.
Four Things Fathers Should Teach Their Sons About Sex
Don’t just teach, teach correctly. Here are four items. First, godly men have always talked to their sons about sexual matters. This is not a woman’s job. God didn’t assign this task to mother or Mrs. Johnson from 7th grade Life Orientation class. The Spirit used a man to pen the two biblical books that talk most about sex: Song of Solomon and Proverbs. Solomon uses Proverbs to talk to his sons directly about sex. “Hear, my son” is a constant refrain in the book (Pr. 1:8; 4:10; 23:19), especially chapters 5-7 where he warns about adultery and praises marriage.
Second, sex in marriage is satisfying. Imagine walking through a hot desert and your only source of water is the expensive jar you carry for collecting rain. Solomon compares the wife to this jar (Pr. 5:15). She’s valuable. She’s precious. “Drink from your own cistern” (v. 15). Don’t try to find a thrill from porn sites or loose girls that flirt. One of the great things about marriage is a guy gets to enjoy his wife’s body (v. 19). He owns her body (“own”) and she’s not for “strangers” (v. 17), just like she owns his body.
Third, sex in marriage brings great joy. If you think winning first place on your soccer team is thrilling, just wait until you get married and have permission to live with the girl of your dreams. “Rejoice with your wife,” Solomon says. But this doesn’t mean marriage is all fireworks and laughter. Marriage is hard work. There will be trials.
Tell your son that good marriages are joyful marriages. Ask him if he’s ever seen an older couple that has been married for 40 years or more? There’s no one they’d rather be with than each other. I’ve read of some modern marriages lasting over 80 years. Methuselah lived 782 years after the birth of his son Lamech. Imagine being married to the same woman for over half a millennium! Father’s need to inform their sons about the bliss of sexually pure, long-lasting marriage.
Fourth, sex is only for marriage, so it’s best to marry early. Proverbs 5-7 is mostly about the “forbidden woman” (5:3) that seeks sexual thrills outside of marriage. Don’t go that route, as tempting as it may seem.
It’s fashionable these days to get married later in life. The young man is told to enjoy his life first. After high school, he’s urged to travel the world. Date lots of girls. Sleep around. Start your career. Settle down when you’re around thirty. But Solomon talks about the “wife of your youth”. Getting married late means the temptations to sin with a girl not your wife will be greater and last longer. Your wife’s window for having children will also be smaller. Bad habits in single life will last longer and will be more difficult to change. I’d recommend you try to marry by your 23rd birthday.
A Final Warning
People today like to mock marriage. They compare it to prison. A man calls his wife a ball and chain. But only fools speak this way.
Instead, a father should teach his son that a great marriage is one of the closest things we have to Heaven on Earth. In fact, the real prison is habitual sexual sin. Do you want to know what Solomon compares to thick iron bars in a maximum security prison? Sexual sin. Sleeping with your girlfriend. Clicking on lustful websites late at night.
“The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin” (Pr. 5:22).
Three Practical Solutions
First, take a walk with your son. Sitting across from him at a table is too awkward. Maybe even toss the ball while you chat. Do this when he’s around 10 to early teens. Talk to him about sexual matters the way Solomon did with his son. Warn him with the words he gave in Proverbs 5.
Second, encourage your son to marry a godly wife. When men make mistakes with girlfriends and porn, they must repent, Proverbs 28:13-style. Then they should work to make themselves into the kind of guy a cute, godly girl would want to marry. Urge him not to follow the crowd.
Third, when talking on the intricacies of the birds and the bees, be tactful but honest and biblical. If you need help, consider a resource like Passport to Purity, or a more general work like Thoughts for Young Men.
Conclusion
JC Ryle calls sexual immorality “the young man’s sin”. In our sex-obsessed world, it will most likely be the sin of our sons unless we as fathers purpose to teach them the dangers of lust and the glories of marriage.