Podcast edition here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
By the time Maria Dyer agreed to marry Hudson Taylor, two other ladies had already rejected his marriage proposals.
The soon-to-be-great missionary had recently arrived in China when he fell in love with the squinty-eyed Maria. She was young and her parents were dead. A group of English missionaries—one of whom was an old maid—had watch care over her.
When word got out of his letter proposing marriage to Maria, they were disgusted. “The nerve…!” Maria was a lady. Taylor was a young, poor, unconnected Nobody. She was proper. He was no gentleman, without a sufficient education and without position. She was tall. He was short, a “ranter”, a Plymouth Brethren. Worst all, he wore Chinese clothes and a long pigtail like his Asian neighbours. Marriage? Maria’s guardians wanted Taylor horse-whipped.
But none of this stopped Hudson and Maria. A Miss Aldersey forced Maria to pen an immediate letter of rejection but it didn’t stick. Maria completed each day as if in a golden dream. The couple insisted on marrying. This split the missionary community, some for and some against the two youth that wanted to marry. Soon, the couple was formally engaged, but not without fanfare and firestorms from the surrounding fraternity.
In the end, they followed the council of those that encouraged their union and married on January 20th, 1858. They were in love but practically penniless. So poor was Taylor that he was married in a plain cotton robe. Soon thereafter, they would return to England where he would complete his medical training.
This leads to an important question. Should a couple get engaged if their counselors do not consent? What is the purpose of engagement and how long should it last before marriage?
What is Engagement?
Before answering these questions, we must understand the nature of engagement. Modern engagement is similar to but not the same as ancient Jewish betrothal.
Engagement and betrothal are similar in that both make a promise to marry. The word betrothal come from “troth”, an old English word meaning to make a solemn pledge. The word “engage” comes from a French word meaning the same thing. Engagement/betrothal leads to marriage but doesn’t equal marriage. Thus, Deuteronomy 20:7 says, “Who is the man that is engaged to a woman and has not taken a wife” (NASB)? Another translation says, “Is there any man who has betrothed a wife and has not taken her” (ESV)?
They are also similar in that they generally follow the couples’ wishes. While arranged marriages are common in Scripture, throughout history and in many cultures around the world, Scripture encourages pre-marital consent from both the man and the woman. The parents of Rebekah, for example, asked their daughter if she was willing to marry Isaac. She said yes (Gn. 24:57-58).
Betrothal and engagement are different in that Jewish couples in Scripture were considered married once they were betrothed. Sexual relations during Jewish betrothal (and biblical engagement) is absolutely forbidden (e.g. Dt. 22:23-24). Being close to marriage doesn’t free one from the 7th Commandment. Thus, Joseph originally gave a bill of divorcement to his betrothed wife, Mary (Mt. 1:18-19), because it was perceived that she had committed sexual immorality.
Cultures around the world approach marital engagement is many different ways. But from the initial principles above we can draw some general applications.
Three Practical Observations
1. Engaged couples should abstain from all sexual activity.
Since engagement isn’t marriage and all sexual activity is reserved for marriage (1Cor. 7:1-9; Hb. 13:4; Mt. 5:28), then engaged couples should refrain from all sexual activity. The numbers are dipping, but the majority of evangelicals would still probably agree that this includes sexual intercourse.
But what about making out? Is that reserved for married couples too?
Gerald Hiestand argues persuasively that the answer is yes. Here’s his logic. (1) All sexual activity must be reserved for the marriage relationship. (2) Some forms of kissing are sexual. Therefore, (3) sexual forms of kissing must be reserved for the marriage relationship.
2. The man must pursue his lady.
The modern trend of the woman getting on one knee and proposing to her man is lame and unbiblical. Men buy the ring. Men pay the bride price. Men give chase. Scriptures illustrates this from beginning to end. The man gave gifts to the woman’s family (Gn. 31:15; Ex. 22:16; Ru. 4:10). The man gave service to the woman’s family (Gn. 29). The man takes his bride to his house (Ge. 24:67; Mt. 25:1).
God designed men to be the leaders of the home and thus the initiators in the relationship. This means he pursues the girl and not the other way around. This is because Jesus, as the perfect model of a groom that loves His bride, pursued His people (Eph. 5:25). As the hymn says, “From heaven He came and sought her to be His holy bride.”
God’s first cog in defining marriage is found in Genesis 2:24: “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife” (Gn. 2:24). In Scripture, the only women that pursue men for marriage are harlots (Pr. 7:11-13) and proud, war-ravaged women (Isa. 4:1). This does not mean the woman has no part in the engagement process. She does (Gn. 24:8, 57-58). But the man takes the lead.
3. It is not necessarily sinful to break off an engagement.
God hates divorce but says no such thing about engagement. Even Old Testament betrothal, more permanent than modern day engagement, often could be dissolved without moral censure.
How many divorced couples wished they heeded the warnings of others to get out before the wedding. Better the initial embarrassment of a broken engagement than a much deeper shame from a marriage that falls apart because you chose the wrong partner.
Next…
In the following article we’ll consider the purposes of engagement.