–– Paul Schlehlein
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For centuries breeders have tried to predict the fastest racehorses. Secretariat, a thoroughbred that won the 9th American Triple Crown, is considered by many to be the greatest racehorse of all time. He set and still holds the fastest time in all three Triple Crown races. The average thoroughbred’s heart weighs almost 4 kg. Secretariat’s heart weighed nearly three times that. For some years now, yearlings have been selected on the basis of heart size, as judged by ultrasound measurements.
We can also predict the weather. The old adage is often true. “Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky in morning, sailors take warning.” Jesus said a similar thing in Matthew 16:2-3: “When it is evening, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red.’ And in the morning, ‘It will be stormy today, for the sky is read and threatening.’”
But forecasting the weather and fast racehorses seems somewhat trivial compared to predicting who will make a godly wife. Every Christian man wants to wed a virtuous woman, but how can he know? Is it possible for a man to predict who will be a godly wife?
Yes, it is. In Genesis 24, Abraham’s servant predicted Rebekah would be a good wife for Isaac because he saw in her hard work (v. 15), beauty (v. 16), purity (v. 16), submissiveness (v. 17), initiative (v. 19), and hospitality (v. 25). In a sense, he predicted the future.
When a young man pursues a godly wife, he must consider the following three items, moving from most to least important: her conversion, her character and her clothing.
Conversion
Scripture doesn’t permit inter-faith marriage. Since the Bible only allows Christians to marry Christians, and since the purpose of dating is finding a suitable spouse, it follows that Christians should only court other Christians. It amazes me how many Christian parents and pastors permit their sheep to date goats.
Second Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” This means Joe Christian mustn’t marry Patricia Pagan. Don’t plow your field by yoking the necks of an ox and a goat. One is plowing Satan’s field and the other God’s field. Friendships with unbelievers are good and necessary (1Cor. 5:9-10), but marriages to unbelievers are forbidden.
The Apostle Paul gave good advice to Christian widows looking for a husband: You’re free to marry whomever you want, so long as the marriage is “in the Lord” (1Cor. 7:39).
Young men, don’t be fooled by a girl’s mere Jesus-talk (Mt. 7:21-24). Does she have a clear testimony? Has she confessed Christ (Rm. 10:9-10)? Can she follow Paul’s three-step model of a good testimony in Acts 22 (life before salvation, at salvation and after salvation)? Is her testimony confirmed by parents, friends and pastors? Is she bearing the fruit of the Spirit?
Character
Conversion isn’t enough. A discerning man sees character in a girl before he marries her. Foolish boys only see a pretty face. Beauty is good but if it comes without character, it’s like lipstick on a pig (Pr. 11:22).
A good example is David and Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. Before he married her, he saw in Abigail discernment (v. 3), beauty (v. 3), hard work (18), submission (vv. 23-24), humility (v. 24, 28), hospitality (v. 27) and wisdom (v. 31).
David saw these traits pre-marriage. Then he took her as a wife (25:39). Men with happy marriages hitch themselves to a lady that is submissive (1Pt. 3:1), respectable and pure (v. 2) and gentle and quiet (v. 4). He notices these traits before marriage. Yes, marriage sanctifies. Yes, Christians mature with age. But marriage isn’t magic. Herodias won’t turn into Hannah immediately after the wedding vows.
But how do you know if a girl will be submissive to her husband before she has a husband? The same way you predict an NBA star while he’s still in college. He has the traits, just on a smaller scale.
So, consider the following. Is she submissive to her father? If not, what makes you think she’ll submit to you? Is she submissive to her other authorities? If so, there’s a good chance she’ll be submissive to you.
Clothing
Though this point is minor compared to the first two, it’s still important. If a woman was a tree, her conversion would be the roots, her character the branches and her clothing one of the fruits. Often, a woman’s clothing is the clearest, most tangible mark of her conversion and integrity. A woman’s dress presents a unique window into her character.
John MacArthur once said in a Q&A that two important marks to look for in a wife are her friends and her clothing. This doesn’t mean conversion is less important, just not as tangibly obvious as companions and dress.
This point is politically incorrect both inside and outside the church. If you stress this point, be prepared for the inevitable charge: “Legalist!”
But if a woman’s clothing isn’t important, then why does the Virtuous Woman in Proverbs 31 give so much attention to clothing? Why does Proverbs 7 warn young men about the clothing of harlots, a woman “dressed as a prostitute” (v. 10)? Why does 1 Peter 3:3 alert godly women to avoid immodest, showy and ostentatious clothing? Why does every sensible wife distain the fact that her husband’s secretary wears a miniskirt? It’s because clothing matters.
Four Action Steps for Young Men
Christian brother, do you want to get married? Here are four steps you should take. You could start even today.
First, practice. What you are looking for in a godly woman you must practice yourself. Develop character in your life that would make you worthy of an Abigail, a Mary, a Lydia or a Sarah. Raise your game.
Second, pray. Ask God to give you a godly wife. And why shouldn’t he? He loves to give good gifts to his children (Lk. 11:13).
Third, prepare. Proverbs 24:27 says, “Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house.” This means you must work hard at school. Get an education if possible. Toil. Hustle. Get a job. Dominoes don’t fall uphill. Often, before a wife comes education, work, responsibility, and a home.
Finally, pursue. Don’t sit around hoping Mrs. Right shows up. As the Puritans liked to say, choose your love, then love your choice. Be active. Ask a girl out. God made men to be hunters. The kind of girl that pursues a guy he doesn’t want anyway. Initiate. Pull your shoulders back. Get in the game.
Conclusion
In Pilgrim’s Progress, Bunyan tells us the story of “Discretion”. Pilgrim has come to the Gate Beautiful but Watchful, the gatekeeper, isn’t sure he should let Pilgrim in. He says he’ll call for the beautiful, young woman Discretion to decide. She asks a series of questions, such as where they’re going and who they’ve seen on the way. After Christian answered accordingly, she smiles and accepts him.
This is a good example of discerning a godly spouse. Christian men shouldn’t be naïve. We must ask questions and then more questions. Before giving our heart to a young lady, we must first look at her conversion and then the immaterial and material marks of character in her life. This is the best way to predict if she will become a godly wife.