–– Paul Schlehlein

The audio version of this article is available here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

Having lived in a little Tsonga village for nearly two decades, I’ve learned a thing or two about African culture. The place where I reside is semi-rural, and is thus a better representation of African culture than the westernised cities. Pit toilets are more common than flush toilets, the native language is more prevalent than English, granny-led homes are more numerous than houses with a mom and dad, and unemployment is sky-high.

One of my convictions is that feminism has devastated the African home perhaps more than any ideology—even more than the Prosperity Gospel. 

In most cities throughout sub-Saharan Africa—and especially South Africa—one will find a similar four-fold theme: women chasing careers rather than caring for the home, grandmothers raising the children, fathers absent from the home and church, and children coming before marriage. These activities are frequent but not absolute.  

So common are these marks that genuine Christians often despair that anything else exists. What I’d like to do here is encourage my brothers and sisters in Africa with five important marks when pursuing marriage God’s way. 

I’d like to do this by briefly analysing a recent article entitled “Polygamy and Pageantry on Display at Mass Wedding in South Africa.” Doing the opposite of what this report condones will put our feet on solid ground.

First, take one spouse for one life. The Bible always promotes monogamy and always judges polygamy. In this article, the author tracks the wedding preparation of a woman named Evelyn Sekgalakane, the soon-to-be third wife of the groom at International Pentecostal Holiness Church in Joburg. Why? She says, “God approves of polygamy.” 

Actually, God never commends polygamy. It only brought deep heartache to the marriage of those who tried it—like Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon. God defines marriage on page two of the Bible in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

The sixty-seven-year-old groom said, “Because I realised that one woman would not be enough for me, I felt that rather than cheat, let me get another wife.” This is like saying, “Because I realised my salary was not enough for me, rather than blow up the bank, let me just point a gun and clean out the cash register.” Ladies, if your prospective man communicates in any way that one woman is not enough for him, find an Uber and speed far away in the opposite direction. 

Second, state your vows. Making a public promise before witnesses plays an important part in marriage. Just as God swore an oath to the fathers of Israel (Jer. 11:5), so Adam gave an oath to Eve just before marriage, calling her “bone of my bones” (Gn. 2:23). 

Contrast this with the Molala wedding (#3!), where rings were exchanged, but there were no vows. But how can one have a covenant marriage when the stipulations are never publicly stated?

Third, be counselled by a godly pastor. Young man, join a doctrinally sound church where the pastor will protect you from marital error and push you toward marital virtue. Proverbs 11:14 says, “In the multitude of counsellors there is safety”. 

What kind of pastor, you may ask, would bless a polygamous wedding in his church? A man who uses the title “comforter”, the same title as the Holy Spirit. The kind of man who enters the church “by marching band, horse parade and a series of luxury vehicles, among them a midnight sapphire Rolls Royce.” Young lady, if your pastor is humble, biblical, and Christ-centred, follow his counsel and he will save you much pain. 

Fourth, prize virginity. Male and female virgins make better marriage prospects than the alternative. Pastors rarely say this from the pulpit for fear of offending most of the congregation. But the idea of “practising sex” before marriage is devil talk. That God can forgive past sexual sins doesn’t cancel the fact that purity before marriage increases the odds for purity within marriage. 

In the story, the bride already has three kids. She boasts that her church insists every prospective spouse take HIV tests. But what need is there for such tests if purity is the standard? There are times when prudence demands that a couple take HIV tests before marriage, and a pastor should not be afraid to recommend this. But a church that makes HIV testing a rule for all of its people shows there is moral rot among the membership. Couples that live purely should never have to think about this, which is why my wife and I have never taken and will never take an HIV test.

Finally, Christians marry Christians. First Corinthians 7:39 is clear. Marry “only in the Lord”. Second Corinthians 6:14 warns of being unequally yoked to unbelievers. In the article, the spouses speak of being “half-Christian and half-African”. But there is no such thing as half-Christianity. You are either a goat or a sheep. Sheep that marry sheep have a much better chance of a long-lasting, joyful marriage. 

In sum, despite all the challenges Africa poses to a sturdy marriage, wonderful and joyful marriages can and do exist. Prospective spouses can expect God’s blessing when they embrace one spouse for one life, state their vows publicly, heed godly counsel, prize virginity, and marry only in the Lord.