–– Joe Shoko
The audio version of this article is available here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
Ubuntuism is a good thing. What makes it unique is the emphasis on communal living. Not too long ago, African communities were distinctly community-oriented. It was as if Acts 2:42-47 was being re-enacted, but without Christ as the focal point. Whenever someone was sick, they didn’t run out of aunties, uncles, brothers and sisters to lend a helping hand.
In such times, high yard walls were still very much a vague, futuristic half–baked concept and the only thing that separated you and your ‘neighbour’ was the closed doors and windows at night. This was the ideal scenario, until it was time for prospective couples to wed.
Marriage is a gift from God. It is a very good thing, in fact, from a biblical standpoint, the only bad thing we observe when God created man is the initial solitude that Adam experienced. Marriage submits itself to the cultural mandate and depicts the relationship between Christ and His bride—the Church. Such goodness must be savoured and celebrated, but not many things bring as much sadness, anguish, anxiety and unnecessary pressure as the process of marriage in the Zimbabwean context, particularly the Shona people.
The dynasty mentality is commonplace among the Shonas, such that it is reflected in the institution of marriage. When children are getting married, parents rarely think that a new family is being formed. Rather, what they see is a daughter or a son being added to their kingdom. The Bible explicitly states that “A man shall leave his father and mother.” When we further consider this truth, we can derive both geographical and social implications of this.
The geographical element speaks to moving from their parents’ covering and care, and status speaks to becoming one flesh with another person of the opposite sex. This means that the single person is no longer dependent upon their parents, but has cleaved to another person who previously didn’t belong to their biological family. There isn’t a human relationship more intimate than marriage.
From the onset to the end of a marriage, family involvement, or rather, unwarranted and unnecessary family involvement, is what the new couple must combat. Not only are the parents overbearing and demanding, but so is the extended family of uncles, aunties and cousins. They want their views to be heard in some of the following ways;
- The Children’s Education
Not many things are as pleasant as the blessing of children. However, with the coming of children comes external pressures of where they will go to school, when they will go to school and how well they are doing at that school. Questions in the form of phone calls and texts are usually sent at the end of the term to hear how ‘well your children have done.’ What further aggravates the already zealous relative is if one decides to homeschool their children.
- Financial Decisions
The Bible has a lot to say about how we steward our resources and finances. Christians are called to be grateful for the gift of finance, which the Lord grants to them through hard work. Christians are to refrain from stealing; rather, they are to work hard so that they have something to share with those in need. They are also called to lay their treasures up in heaven by investing and giving towards the gospel enterprise.
This is something that is rejected by extended family members. What is expected of a couple is that their finances must be directed towards the welfare and prosperity of the ‘dynasty’. This is evident in the barrage of queries regularly sent to the couple about how they are faring financially and what they are spending their money on. This can become suffocating and render the couple bound by familial expectations.
- Employment
When a child is still in school, the parents continue to bombard them with future goals and targets. A well–meaning parent may constantly indoctrinate their child into becoming a lawyer or a rocket scientist. When the child has completed tertiary education and ends up working in a field that they did not study for, this is met with ridicule, disappointment, and complaints by parents and the extended family.
Yes, parents have a responsibility to train up children in the way they should go, but that is never a license to micromanage every detail of their lives, even to the point of where they work.
- Death of a Spouse
Usually, the death of the bride in the Shona culture triggers a lot of emotion from the relatives. This is especially if the bride price had not been fully paid. On many occasions, relatives have refused to bury their daughter until an agreement or payment plan is put in place, or the groom has paid a particular fee, even in the form of livestock.
More often than not, the amount of pressure and heartache the mourning man goes through leaves a lifelong wound of bitterness and resentment towards the bride’s family.
Conclusion
The parental and extended family overreach is something that needs to be addressed in our culture. We need the objective truth of the Bible to penetrate and transform the sinful practices that do a lot of damage to the institution of marriage and society. The Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ gives us freedom not to be held captive by the laws of men, but to be free to worship God in spirit and truth.