–– Tim Cantrell

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Should Christians use dating apps?  One study claims that 1 in 3 South Africans uses online dating and that only 11% do it to find a marriage partner, while 48% do it for fun, 41% to find friends, and 13% for sex.  Our Police Minister Bheke Cele has recently warned of the increasing use of dating apps for kidnapping.  Yet global revenue from dating apps for 2023 will add up to US$8.7 billion, from 441 million users – a colossal industry indeed!  What does God’s Word say about this massive trend in our society?

The Bible does not forbid technology, just as it isn’t against the lawful and wise use of any other tools that our Creator has enabled His image-bearers to design for human good and God’s glory.  Yet Scripture does call us not to be naive but discerning about technology so that we are not “conforming” to the world’s agenda (Rom. 12:2; Col. 2:8).  Never is discernment more needed than in choosing a spouse, the biggest human decision you will ever make.  God’s Word is clear that the only purpose for dating or romance should be for marriage, not recreational or any other casual or selfish reason (Gen. 2:18-25; Heb. 13:4).

As a happily married man, never in my life have I used a dating app; I wouldn’t even know where to start, thankfully.  Three of our children have gotten married in the last three years without any online assistance.  Each found a godly spouse in the same place my wife and I met – at church!  If your Christian faith is what most defines you, where better to find a spouse than in the Body of Christ, His Church (1 Tim. 3:15; Acts 2:42-47; 1 Cor. 12)?  One more reason to join a healthy church, and not to miss Sunday night services!

Yet I realise this is not everyone’s experience, and there are sincere believers in smaller, older, or isolated churches without suitable options for marriage.  However, there may still be godly married couples in your church who have the spiritual ‘gift’ of matchmaking and who would gladly help if you enlisted their services before consulting the impersonal machine and minefield of the internet.  In our church, we have seen God answer prayer and provide godly spouses for eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the most wonderful and surprising ways!

When others can vouch for your proven character, they are delighted to spread the word.  Meanwhile, wherever possible seek out wider Christian fellowship in person amongst other like-minded churches.  Face-to-face, real friendships at church, under pastoral oversight, are a thousand times more likely to lead to a godly marriage than any dating app.  

But if all this fails after years of trying, is there a ‘Plan B’ of dating apps?  In light of the harm I’ve seen done to young people, I’m tempted to say, ‘Flee the artificial, predatory, consumer world of cyber-dating.’  Yet you may know a godly exception – a couple whom the Lord providentially brought together through the internet.  We can rejoice in such marriages and affirm there is nothing unlawful or unbiblical about them.  God’s Word is far more concerned about who you marry than about how you met.

What is by far most fundamental is that a believer must only marry “in the Lord”, to another believer (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14-15).  But God’s proven and appointed way to verify if someone is saved is if they are a member in good standing of a gospel-preaching church (Matt. 16:19; 18:15-20).  Outside of the oversight of a faithful congregation, it is much harder to authenticate if someone has a credible profession of faith and a proven track record. 

As a parent and a pastor, I could only give my blessing to any online suitor after building an in-depth, in-person relationship with that person over time, starting with receiving a detailed character reference and pastoral endorsement from their local church.  After this, I would want months (if not years) of both families getting to know one another, and seeing how the couple conducts their in-person dating relationship “in all purity” (1 Tim. 4:12; 5:2).

May our holy God and sovereign Lord sanctify us and our offspring in this evil age and grant us a distinctly Christian, “renewed mind” about dating, marriage, technology and about all of life under the lordship of Christ (Rom. 12:1-2).  Praise God that His all-sufficient Word equips us with all the wisdom we need for life’s biggest decisions and most cherished relationships.