–– Paul Schlehlein
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These days it is common for the grandmother to rear her grandchildren at home while the mother studies at school or works. One can find this practice worldwide, especially in African culture, where caregiving among grandparents is often a moral requirement. In 2018, it was estimated that nearly 4 million children in South Africa were living with a grandparent or an aunt.
Follow the Rules
This practice persists because the foundation is weak. Foundations are weak when we do not follow the rules. The directions call for one bag of cement and three wheelbarrows of sand and stone. However, we cut corners, using a half bag instead. We want to save money. In the beginning, all is fine. But after some months, cracks in the foundation show. Then the wall falls down.
God’s Word gives instructions to the family. His laws are not ugly but beautiful. Jesus always knows the best way. Still, we want to take shortcuts. Like Adam and Eve, we think we know better than God. Eve said: “I know God said not to eat the fruit from the tree, but I know better…” We say, “I know God gave me directions for marriage, but if both of us work, and granny raises the child, then we’ll have more money.” Or, “I don’t need to marry. Government grants will pay for the child, granny will help and I’ll find a job.”
In the beginning, things look nice. Then fractures appear. We ask in shock: “Why is my child so rebellious?” The answer is easy. You didn’t follow the rules. Scripture doesn’t instruct grandparents to raise their grandchildren. According to Deuteronomy 6:7 and Ephesians 6:4, that’s the parent’s job.
Grandmothers can bestow great influence upon their grandchildren. Maacah, the grandmother of King Asa, lived wickedly (1Ki. 15:13). Lois, the grandmother of Timothy, lived righteously (2Ti. 1:5). But Scripture makes the parents the chief influence, not the grandparents.
An Older Woman’s Role
Consider what Titus 2:3-5 says about the older women of the church whose children are most likely out of the house raising their own kids.
She’s not told to raise her grandchildren but “train the young women” (v. 4). Paul commands women not to preach at church (1Tm. 2:12) but to teach at home. Today, we do the exact opposite. Women preach at church and don’t teach at home. They want to be pastors but are not willing to stay home and train their children.
Yes, it’s helpful for grandmothers to teach their grandchildren, as the life of Timothy shows. But Scripture tells older ladies to teach young women, most often those who have children at home.
As a grandmother, you may say: “I’ve never been to school, I can’t teach.” Oh, but you have been to school, the school of life. You have made mistakes and you have grown wise. So take the Scriptures and teach.
Who should grandmothers teach? Younger women. What should grandmothers teach?
First, they must teach women to love their husbands and children. This assumes the older women are married and that they too love their husbands and children. Women must be taught how to love their families because love is a choice.
Second, grandmothers should teach the young ladies to live sexually pure and to work at home (v. 5). Contrary to worldly thinking, a mother’s priority is the home, not a career. Sadly, many mothers leave the task of parenting to the grandmother because they see home life as a boring, lowly job. Instead, they should view “working at home” as the high privilege of influencing the children as no one else can do (2Tm. 3:15), knowing one day they will rise up and call their mothers blessed (Pr. 31:28-20). A mother will never say at the end of her life: “I wish I had worked more hours at the bank.” More likely she’ll say: “I wish I took more hours with the kids.”
Children raised by their grandparents can succeed in life. Some of my closest friends were raised by their grandparents, whom they love deeply. However, even they will admit that the educational gaps in their upbringing were large. This is because God has not designed grandparents with the energy, cultural awareness and fortitude to parent a child.
Conclusion
What’s the best way forward? If your grandmother raised you but you want to change, purpose now to end the cycle. Keep yourself sexually pure before marriage. Marry a godly spouse who embraces a biblical view of the home. Mother should stay at home with the kids. Father should work hard to provide and affirm her in that role. Then watch your sons flourish like well-nurtured plants and your daughters become graceful pillars of beauty (Ps. 144:12).