— Tim Cantrell
The audio version of this article is available here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
In Muslim parts of Africa, fierce persecution rages against Christians, even betrayal from their own relatives. But for those of us living in countries (like South Africa) that enjoy religious freedom, what if my unsaved family has not cut me off? Should I ever cut them off?
God’s Word shows that He loves for His salvation to spread through families – from Noah’s family saved with him in the ark, to the gospel reaching entire households in Acts, to an unsaved spouse or child “sanctified” by one believer in the home (1 Cor. 7:14), to sibling evangelism with Andrew bringing Peter, and James and John together following Christ.
Paul counsels us, “Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:5-6). How then can we “make the most of the opportunity” in witnessing to our lost loved ones? Here are 10 ways we can build bridges to reach unsaved family for Christ. (For my full audio seminar on this, go here.)
(1) Expect It
We should expect those who are “of the world” to behave worldly until God saves them. Paul is emphatic that we are not called to go “out of the world”, but rather to remain a gospel witness (1 Cor. 5:9-10; cf. Jn. 17, ‘in the world but not of it’). If we don’t tell them of Christ, who will?
(2) Prepare for Hurdles
Evangelising relatives is not like witnessing to strangers. The emotional stakes are higher. The history is longer. The potential for misunderstanding runs deeper. They have seen your inconsistencies. They remember your past. Familiarity indeed breeds contempt. Even sinless Jesus had unsaved family who despised Him and were only converted years later (Jn. 7:5; Mk. 3:20-21).
We must also work hard to avoid potholes, not letting them get us sidetracked on pointless controversies. Whatever red herring they throw at us must eventually become a gateway for gospel witness. My unsaved relative’s greatest need is not to share my political or economic opinions, but to know Christ.
(3) Show Them Christ
Our deeds must match our words. Hypocrisy at home can undo years of faithful witness. But humility, especially a readiness to repent and seek forgiveness, can powerfully commend the gospel. Yes, the gospel requires words; yet your life is still your loudest message and a wordless witness (1 Pet. 3:1).
(4) Don’t Assume
Some assume their relatives are Christians because they are decent, moral, or religious. They were baptised, attend church occasionally, or know the Christian lingo. But none of these things guarantees a new birth (Jn. 3:1-8). Don’t confuse familiarity with the gospel for genuine conversion (Matt. 7:13-24; see here for more, especially under #3 on true saving faith)
Many possess a form of godliness without its power (2 Tim. 3:5). To assume someone is saved without clear evidence of repentance and faith is not loving; it is spiritually dangerous. We must love them enough to ask, ‘Have you truly been born again? Do you personally trust in Christ? Have you turned from your sin?’
(5) Be Gentle
We must be ready to witness, “yet with gentleness” (1 Pet. 3:15). Even when confronting false teachers, Paul said to do it in a way that is not “quarrelsome, but kind to all…patient when wronged, with gentleness”, trusting that God alone can grant them repentance (2 Tim. 2:24-25). We misrepresent Christ if we are pushy, argumentative, rude or harsh (1 Cor. 13:4-7).
That can do more harm than good. We must clothe biblical truth in tenderness, speaking to others the way we would want them to speak to us (Matt. 7:12). “Wounds from a friend can be trusted”, so if family can see that we genuinely care for them, they are more likely to listen (Prov. 27:6).
(6) Be Patient
Family evangelism is rarely immediate. It unfolds over years, sometimes decades. This requires patience, endurance, and a refusal to give up: “love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:8).
Love does not grow irritable or lose hope. It continues to speak, to pray, and to wait for the right opportunity. Proverbs has much to say about a well-timed word, “like apples of gold in settings of silver”, and “sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness”, and “the tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable” (25:11; 16:21; 15:2).
(7) Forgive
Some Christians have slammed the door on unsaved family because of bitterness over past hurts. If we cannot model merciful forgiveness for unbelievers, who will? Of all the people on the planet, we are the only ones who actually have the supernatural ability to forgive, because we have been forgiven (Matt. 6:12,14-15; Mk. 11:25; Lk. 23:34; Acts 7:60).
(8) Find Common Ground
Like Jesus with the woman at the well, we can usually find some creative on-ramps into their lives. Love compels us to do so. Our relatives live in the same fallen world we do, facing the same struggles – whether in marriage and parenting, work, school, health, or many other aspects of life under the sun. These realities often provide natural entry points for spiritual conversations. Meeting them where they are at is not compromise; it is Christlike compassion.
(9) Honour God’s Design
The saved son-in-law wonders why he couldn’t boldly call his mother-in-law to repentance over Christmas lunch in front of all the family? “Honour your father and your mother” (the 5th commandment) still applies after salvation. In fact, believers should be the most eager to obey God’s Law and to honour His natural design and to respect those in authority (1 Tim. 5:1-2). There is a way to honour parents and older relatives even while remaining faithful to Christ.
(10) Stand Ready
Often, it is in moments of crisis, illness, loss, or hardship, that hearts become more receptive to eternal realities. If we have been praying and working to preserve family relations, pain and heartache can swing doors wide open for us to proclaim the comfort and hope found only in Christ.
In closing – recall Jesus’ parting words to the former Gerasene demoniac: “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how He has had mercy on you” (Mk. 5:19). This does not contradict counting the cost, since Jesus did come “to bring a sword”, and we must love Him above family (Lk. 14:26; Matt. 10:21-22, 34-37). Unsaved family may hate us and cut us off, and “blessed are the persecuted” (Matt. 5:10-12).
However, no blessing is promised when we foolishly burn bridges with unsaved family instead of “by all means” striving for their salvation (1 Cor. 9:19-22), and being “wise as serpents and harmless as doves” (Matt. 10:16). Rosaria Butterfield tells the gripping story of how God used years of sincere, warm Christian hospitality in her conversion; and then again how God used Rosaria’s hospitality to win her unsaved, hostile mother to the Lord! May our Lord give us much grace for faithful gospel witness to unsaved loved ones, while leaving the results in His sovereign hands.