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The previous three articles have shown that the bride price in Africa has pros and cons. From these Christians can make some practical conclusions.
Simply transferring a payment from one family to another is not marriage. As we argued earlier, marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman (Mal. 2:14). This covenant has three parts (Gen. 2:24): leave, cleave, one flesh.
First, it is a covenant that is commenced by consent. This means both the woman and the man must agree to be wed. Forced marriage is not marriage. The parents of the man do not drag him to the altar. He leaves his mother and father of his own volition to start a new union that will become his chief relationship on earth.
Second, marriage is a covenant continued by commitment. This is expressed by oaths before witnesses, though this may look different in various cultures.
Finally, the formation of the marriage covenant is concluded by consummation. The one flesh union is imperative to form a marriage. This is one reason why a homosexual union can never be considered a marriage.
Lobola may be a stepping stone to arrive at these marks, but it must never be viewed as marriage itself. Moreover, Scripture never speaks of marriage as primarily a union between families but instead between a man and a woman.
- The natural order of life is that mature parents provide for their younger children, not vice-versa.
Why Africa is Poor has a chapter entitled “Gleeful Fatalism” which addresses the ways African parents and extended family members sometimes abuse their children financially. The book throughout talks about “Bantu abuse” and “parental tax” and this chapter specifically talks about “parental robbery”.
While the book favours children caring for their parents in their old age, the author opposes the “receipt book” mentality in which parents demand their children sustain them in their retirement. “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children” (Pr. 13:22). Lobola should never be the means whereby parents seek to enrich themselves.
Second Corinthians 12:14 says, “For children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.” The general rule is that parents meet the needs of their children. Should children give honor and love to their parents? Yes. Should children care for their parents in their old age? Yes. Should children find ways later in life to show gratitude to their parents with gifts? Yes.
But the Christian worldview is that a parent works and saves accordingly so that he can not only provide for his children but also care for himself and his wife in their old age. The Christian worldview is that once a man and woman are married, their chief relationship is no longer with their parents but with their spouse. The parents should not expect the children to pay his debts or look for ways to get rich off his son-in-law.
Because of the weaknesses and misunderstandings regarding lobola, it would probably be better to speak of it as a bride “gift” rather than a bride “price.” Even better, Christians should refer to it as a “betrothal” or “engagement” gift, since it belongs in the first category of marriage formation called “consent”. The word “betrothal” means to plight one’s troth, to make a troth or make a promise. It is not marriage but the period of engagement preceding marriage.
In the OT, betrothal was a binding contract established between two families and sealed by the exchange of gifts, hence the betrothal gift. During this period the couple did not live together. Sexual relations with each other at this stage was regarded as equivalent to adultery.
There is no reason to discard lobola, provided it is done properly. There is biblical precedent for the practice. It encourages and shows commitment as well as love and respect for the bride-to-be and her family. However, it should never be used as a way to squeeze money out of the groom or as an excuse to put off marriage.
Suppose there is a couple that have been newly saved and they are planning their wedding. They are first generation Christians and have committed not to follow the world in their marriage festivities. But they also know that the girl’s parents are strongly in favour of lobola, so much so that they would not approve of the wedding in any way if lobola was not paid.
If it was up to them, they would skip the whole lobola process all together. But to show honor to the parents, I think it would be wise for the husband to pay them the bride price, and pay it in full immediately if at all possible. If they both sat down with the parents and explained to them that a large lobola price would push off the wedding and thus place them into temptation for fornication, which their newfound faith will not allow them to do, I believe parents will often relent and even respect the couple by allowing a very moderate bride price. Scripture teaches Christians to respect their in-laws (Ruth 1:14-15), even if they are unbelievers (Ex. 18:7-8).
If the parent’s chief way of gauging the character and commitment of the groom toward the bride is a bride price, there are going to be considerable problems.
There are a hundred ways the parents can determine what kind of character he has. Here are some of them: (1) Ask him questions about his spiritual life, (2) Spend quality time with him, (3) Observe his friends, (4) Get references from his employer, pastor and church, (5) Observe how he treats his parents.
Conclusion
Marriage is a union between a man and a woman, not primarily between families. Lobola is a steppingstone to marriage and should not be used by parents to enrich themselves or as the chief means to test the character or loyalty of the groom.
Between Two Cultures 