Sex before marriage is sinful (1Cor. 6:18). It is a beautiful act but only inside of marriage (Hb. 13:4). When Rebekah first saw Isaac, she didn’t fall into his arms. She acted purely and covered herself (v. 65).
Today, most couples fornicate before they marry, even though Scripture clearly commands God’s children to abstain (1Th. 4:3). The fires of sexual passion burn hottest just before the wedding. To avoid immorality, couples must establish some guidelines.
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Isaac gave many gifts to Rebekah and her family, like jewelry and costly clothing (Gen. 24: 53). In patrilineal African culture, the man pays lobola (the bride price) to the family. In the past this came through cattle. Now it’s usually cash.
In Western culture, men also pay lobola in the form of an engagement ring, and it’s given to his fiancée, not her parents. Both of these practices show that the man is serious. He’s put skin in the game to show that he won’t back out before the wedding. He’s proving that he can be trusted and can provide.
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No woman should ever be forced to marry a man. Genesis 2:24 says a man leaves his mother and father to marry his wife. A husband doesn’t drag the woman to his home. She comes happily, with a spring in her step.
As was the case with Rebekah, the parents should give their consent before the marriage. They said: “Behold, Rebekah is before you; take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has spoken.” The woman should also consent. Genesis 24:58 says: “And they called Rebekah and said to her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ She said, ‘I will go.’”
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To shoot straight means to tell the truth. A straight shooter gets to the point, no stories. After Eliezer met Rebekah’s parents, the family set a delicious spread before him. But before Eliezer could enjoy the tasty meal, he delivered an important message (Gen. 24:33-51).
He clearly set out his purposes in coming. He told the whole truth and wasn’t deceptive with his plans. Isaac wasn’t interested in playing games. He wanted a wife and this was the purpose of the visit.
Because women can easily be hurt, men must treat them with sensitivity. Young men have broken this rule innumerable times in every culture and in every era. It comes in four different forms.
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There’s a difference between courting and dating. Courting is purposeful dating. Couples often date just for fun or pleasure, while the purpose of courting is to find a spouse. Courting also involves the parents, whereas dating is more independent.
In Genesis 24, notice how often the parents are involved. From the start, Eliezer seeks them out. He quickly asks about her parents (v. 23) and she swiftly connects herself to her father (v. 24). Parents and siblings were involved from start to finish (vv. 28-50). On behalf of Abraham and Isaac, Eliezer asks permission from Rebekah’s parents to pursue her (v.49).
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A young man with no money and no job is not ready to pursue a woman in marriage. But a man with work and cash in his pocket has earned the right to seek a bride. This is because one of the three central roles of a man is to provide. A husband “nourishes” his wife (Eph. 5:29), which includes putting food on the table.
Eliezer proved Isaac was a man of means by giving Rebekah golden rings and bracelets (v. 22). Notice, this was not part of the bride price. Long before marriage was discussed, this jewelry served as an initial gift to show that Isaac’s team wasn’t working on the cheap. He had the means to provide for her.
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Usually, the first thing that attracts a man to a woman is her beauty. God made males to admire an attractive female—her angelic voice, the gentle curves of her body, and the softness of her touch. Moses acknowledged that the men of Israel would “see among the captives a beautiful woman” and then “desire to take her” for his wife (Dt 21:11).
Guys want women to be beautiful and women want to look beautiful. South Africa spends R10 million annually just on female hair products. The Bible usually speaks about a lady’s beauty in positive terms, presenting it as a blessing from God. Here are some examples:
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Men go hunting where there’s game. They chase lions in the plains of the Serengeti, not the tundra of Alaska. They stalk moose in Canada, not the Sahara Desert. They search for wildebeest in the veld of South Africa, not the highways of London.
In the same way, young men must look for godly women where they can be found. Eliezer didn’t look for a godly woman in battle or a brothel, at sea, in a desert, or among pagans. Instead, he went to Mesopotamia, a country of likeminded people. And he visited a watering hole, a place where women often gathered (v. 11).
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Young men should not expect to find a good wife if they never ask God for one. Scripture says: “Ask, and it will be given to you” (Mt. 7:7). Abraham’s servant prayed with a specific request that the Lord would lead him to the right wife for Isaac. “O Lord…please grant me success today” (Gen. 24:12).
Proverbs 19:14 says “a prudent wife is from the Lord”. Good marriages are a gift from God. Therefore, pray and ask him for an understanding wife. Here are five sample prayer requests:
Continue readingPart 1: Debated Texts on Gender Roles
Sin brings sparks of conflict to marriage. Connect jumper cables to a battery and you’ll find flickers and flashes when touching red on black. After the Fall, Eve became like the negative-charge, desiring to usurp her husband’s authority. Adam became like the positive-charge, tempted to rule his wife harshly. Put them together and…boom.
But marriage doesn’t guarantee relational explosions. There is hope. A clear understanding of Genesis 3:16 will save husbands and wives from fireworks and heartaches.
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Marriage is a mystery and a remarkable creation of God. On Friday a man could be free and beholden to no one and by Saturday afternoon he’s attached to a woman for the rest of his life. Martin Luther said about the first year of marriage: “One wakes up in the morning and finds a pair of pigtails on the pillow which were not there before.”
The following posts are about choosing your pigtails wisely.
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Psalm 45 celebrates the royal wedding of a Kingly Groom and his Princess Bride. Charles Spurgeon said that if we view this psalm as a marriage only between King Solomon and Pharaoh’s daughter, we’ll be shortsighted. If we view it merely as King Solomon and Christ, we’ll be cross-eyed.
Here’s the right perspective. Psalm 45 depicts a beautiful, earthly, royal wedding, but foreshadows the union between the Heavenly Bridegroom—Jesus Christ—and His Bride, God’s people.
The Kingly Groom
The first half of Psalm 45 lauds the groom. The writer compares his tongue to a pen (v. 1), anxious to celebrate the royal wedding by writing a song to be sung by a grand choir. Continue reading
What parent doesn’t want a great education for his or her child? All fathers and mothers desire to see their sons and daughters grow in knowledge and wisdom.
Second Timothy 3:15 is a short verse of only 20 words, yet it brims with truth about teaching children. Paul writes to Timothy, his son “in the faith”, and gives five ways parents must teach their children.
And how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ.
This brief verse answers five questions. When should we teach our children? What should we teach our children? How should we teach our children? Why should we teach our children? Who should teach our children?
Teach them when they are small
Children often bother adults. We murder them in the womb because they’re too expensive. The modern family is smaller than yesteryear because children apparently take too much work. Continue reading
Dear Tabitha,
I’m happy to see you growing into a godly young lady. You’ve overcome long odds having been raised in such a troublesome home.
Most children follow in the footsteps of their parents, whether they plan to or not. The kings of Israel epitomize this. Yet, here you are, growing like a weed spiritually and drinking God’s Word from a firehose—two peas in a pod—and here I am mixing three metaphors in one sentence and confusing you altogether.
You asked me recently about how to interact with your absent mother. While you’ve never known your father, your mom has always been “there” (kind of), which makes her absence all the more painful. Apparently, she never cared much for investing in you as a girl but instead focused only on herself. Now that you’re out of the house with a university degree and marriage prospects, all of a sudden she wants back into your life. Continue reading
You can summarize this wedding charge in one sentence. Character builds trust, trust builds friendship, and friendship builds the marriage.
This comes from the text in Proverbs 31:10-12:
“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”
Reg, today I serve as your best man. But from this day forward your closest friend on earth must be your wife. She is more than your lover. She is your intimate confidante. She’s your companion. She’s your friend.
The missing ingredient in many marriages is friendship. Companionship has disappeared, though it’s among the central purposes of marriage. We’ll return to this in a moment. But first, what are some other purposes of marriage?
Marriage is for Reflecting the Gospel
One purpose of marriage is reflecting the gospel. The way a husband loves his wife demonstrates the way Christ loves the church. The way a wife submits to her husband reflects the way believers submit to Christ. Your marriage may be the only picture of the Good News others people see. Continue reading
– Paul Schlehlein
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As the family goes, so goes society. As the father goes, so goes the family. God made fathers the leaders of the home. They lead, provide and protect.
God chose Abraham, not his wife Sarah, to command his children to obey the Bible and do right (Gn. 18:19). The Psalmist urges fathers not to hide the truth from their children (Ps. 78:3-6). Ephesians 6:4 implores fathers to teach their children early and often.
So what are mothers to do when they have children but no father at home? This is not unusual. Almost a quarter of children under the age of 18 in the US live with one parent. Nearly a third of women in Sub-Sahara Africa between the ages of 18-60 are single with children in the household.
Maybe her husband died, or took off, or is gone all the time for work? What hope do single mothers have that their children will end up godly? Where can they go for confidence that their children can thrive in adulthood?
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The previous three articles have shown that the bride price in Africa has pros and cons. From these Christians can make some practical conclusions.
Simply transferring a payment from one family to another is not marriage. As we argued earlier, marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman (Mal. 2:14). This covenant has three parts (Gen. 2:24): leave, cleave, one flesh.
First, it is a covenant that is commenced by consent. This means both the woman and the man must agree to be wed. Forced marriage is not marriage. The parents of the man do not drag him to the altar. He leaves his mother and father of his own volition to start a new union that will become his chief relationship on earth.
Second, marriage is a covenant continued by commitment. This is expressed by oaths before witnesses, though this may look different in various cultures.
Finally, the formation of the marriage covenant is concluded by consummation. The one flesh union is imperative to form a marriage. This is one reason why a homosexual union can never be considered a marriage.
Lobola may be a stepping stone to arrive at these marks, but it must never be viewed as marriage itself. Moreover, Scripture never speaks of marriage as primarily a union between families but instead between a man and a woman.
Why Africa is Poor has a chapter entitled “Gleeful Fatalism” which addresses the ways African parents and extended family members sometimes abuse their children financially. The book throughout talks about “Bantu abuse” and “parental tax” and this chapter specifically talks about “parental robbery”.
While the book favours children caring for their parents in their old age, the author opposes the “receipt book” mentality in which parents demand their children sustain them in their retirement. “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children” (Pr. 13:22). Lobola should never be the means whereby parents seek to enrich themselves. Continue reading
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For every argument in favor of lobola, its opponents have arguments against it. Here are some of the most common disagreements:
Some view lobola as nothing different than purchasing a car or cell phone. In modern society, because money has replaced cows regarding the payment of lobola, some say it makes the woman feel as though she is being purchased.
But some reject this argument, saying that in African languages, there are separate words for purchasing an item and paying the bride price. This proves that the woman is not being bought and sold.
Many are still unconvinced. The thinking is that if Chanda has to work a full year (or two or five) to “pay” for his wife, then we should not be surprised when Chanda treats her like property, treats her with less respect, and treats her as though she owes him something. “I don’t owe you anything,” he says. “I paid!” Continue reading
Every Christian parent knows they should pray for their kids. Job prayed for his children, even in their adulthood. He would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings on their behalf (Job 1:5). But prayer for children is easier said than done.
A parent’s prayers may fall into several ruts. There’s the Vague Ditch (“Lord, bless Johnny”), the Redundant Ditch (“Lord, help Johnny”), the Trivial Ditch, (“Lord, be with Johnny”), and the Carnal Ditch (“Lord, give Johnny good grades”).
There’s a place for all of these prayers, for sure, just as there’s a place for dessert. But you can’t live on dessert. Dessert prayers shouldn’t dominate your intercession for children any more than ice cream should dominate your dinner.
If the prayers for your children lack meat and potatoes vitality, here’s a practical solution. Choose a theme verse for each child, then pray that verse over them all year long.
Examples
Fathers should consider following this exercise each year. This is a big part of being a leader in the home. Dad must shepherd the heart of his children. He plans ahead. He has forethought. He knows his little lambs. “Know well the condition of your flocks”, Solomon says (Pr. 27:23).
Find a verse that touches an important need. For example, suppose your son is nearing conversion. In his battle with sin he cannot determine if he’s a Christian. Consider choosing as his theme verse 2 Corinthians 13:5. “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” Continue reading
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24
LORD GOD, CREATOR AND SUSTAINER OF MARRIAGE,
It is our privilege to rejoice in your goodness and your giving of this one-flesh union.
In prayer, allow us to rise above the vanities of this world and intercede for our friends before this marriage altar—
A gift from a Great God and
A mirror to a Glorious Gospel.
As they leave father and mother, remind them
That You will never leave us to our oppressors
That You will never leave us as orphans
That You will never leave us or forsake us.
Keep this couple free from independence, but instead dependent on Christ and each other, for woman was made from man, and man was born of woman.
Reveal yourself to this couple as
A Father, when privation casts doubt in your supply,
A Shield, when Satan assaults them with darts of selfishness,
A Light, when depression closes the drapes to your goodness,
A Rock, when marriage exposes their weaknesses,
A Balm, when sickness steals the joy of living,
A Treasure, when money tugs the fabric of their marriage,
A Savior, when suffering forbids them from mutual help.
God of our Delight, we are witnesses today of a covenant between a husband and a wife in their youth, forged upon the anvil of biblical commitment.
Help them to stand with watchful eyes on the castle wall of faith, focused on the promises of your word rather than the shifting sands of feelings.
Make this one-flesh union
A portrait of Jesus’ love,
A token of Jesus’ grace,
An arrow to Jesus’ death,
A lamppost to Jesus’ power.
May our brother never cease in selflessly nurturing his wife and may he long to present her faultless and without spot before our Savior, as Christ cleansed the church by the washing of the water and the word.
May love point them beyond their own marriage but further to the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.
May our sister become thousands of ten thousand, and may her offspring possess the gates of those who hate You.
May you, O Lord God, make this woman like the matriarchs of old, who together built up your people. May she be renowned in her homeland and beyond and may this woman and her house bring forth many children for the Lord’s sake.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen
We have eight children 14 years old and under.
Over the years, a number of people have remarked to me and my wife that our children are unusually interested in helping others.
If a lady is carrying a heavy bag, they often run to carry it for her. If a man is changing a tire, they walk over (unsolicited) to hand him the tools. If congregants need song sheets, they rush to assist. When the meal is over, they’re pretty good about clearing the table quickly and washing the dishes so the adults can talk.
“Show us the secret,” they say. The secret is really no secret at all. You can find the answers in the Bible. We believe in the sufficiency of Scripture. The Bible is all we need. This doesn’t mean that Scripture will teach us how to remove stitches or win at horse shoes or pass the chemistry exam. It’s not sufficient in that way. The Bible is sufficient for faith and practice. This means that the Bible teaches us, either directly or indirectly, everything we need to know about salvation and sanctification.
In other words, if you want to know how to draw blood, you go to nursing school. But if you want to know how to live a good life, you go to the Bible. This includes teaching your kids how to serve others.
Here are five tips.
1. Show them serving is Christian
Serving others is to Christianity what ivy is to the outfield wall at Wrigley Field. When you look at Christians, you’re really looking at servants. The word “servant” is found well over 250 times in the New Testament. Paul had a hard time introducing himself without calling himself a doulos. “Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus…” (Rm. 1:1).
This is totally foreign to our narcissistic world. Some years ago, Tim Tebow said that the girl of his dreams would have a “servant’s heart”. Though this is standard Christian parlance, much of the media lost their minds. The wife, servile? Yes, and not just the wife but the husband and all the kids too, all in an effort to serve just like Jesus. The Master said: “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many (Mt. 20:28). Continue reading
Fellow Soldiers and Friends
J.C. Ryle said that friendships double our joy and halve our troubles. Good Christian friends should ask each other these fifteen questions to improve their friendship.
A Warning
Guys don’t converse well sitting across from each other. Guys need to move. Guys use their hands and feet when talking. Girls are better at talking across a booth. Ladies like to talk with their legs curled up on the sofa. Guys like to talk in front of a football game.
If you’re uncomfortable talking over coffee, shoot hoops instead. Drive across town. Hike up a mountain. Go to the driving range. Clean out the carburetor. Sharpen the lawn mower blade. Throw the baseball. While you’re at it, ask the following questions.
When you’re done reading, I’ll show you what to do with them at the end.
15 Questions on Friendship
Actions Steps:
She’s not happy because he never gave her this list
I recently asked these questions to my wife. It spurred excellent conversation. If a husband genuinely wants to know his wife’s thoughts on these questions, he’ll discover many things about her he never knew before.
Children need heavy doses of rebuke and praise. Sometimes the parent should do this one-on-one. Elsewhere he should reprove and honor publicly. I’d like to argue that this latter category is best done at the dinner table or, even better, at Family Worship.
We assign the word “foolish” to terms like grin, mistake, idea or decision. Scripture appoints the word to “child”. “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child” (Pr 22:15). Folly is part of a child’s nature. Foolishness fills a youngster’s heart the way stars fill the sky. The darker the sin, the easier to see the folly. But even when the child is at his cutest and best behaved, foolhardiness—though hidden—is still there, like stars on a sunny day. Adam put it there (Ps 51:5). Special grace and common grace have yet to chisel off the edges.
So parents should expect to rebuke their children often, especially when they are young and especially from the lips of Dad (Pr 13:1). It is a child’s natural inclination to say and do stupid things. I remember telling my wife that if we tallied up for the day all the actions of one of our young children, probably 90% of them would be wrong. This is why parenting is such hard work. This is why millennials are having pets instead of children. You can put newspaper down for puppies. It doesn’t work as well for kids. Continue reading
“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart” (Pr 29:17).
So you want to blame the legacy of slavery for fatherless homes? You want to ascribe guilt to your coach or political party? How about wealth inequality? Your sinful uncle or the playboy athlete? Should we blame far away jobs or the poor example of our own family?
If you’re looking to blame someone for the plague of fatherless homes today, don’t accuse your father or political leaders. Go all the way back to the source.
Blame Adam.
Sin is to blame for fatherless homes and sin came from Adam. When our human father bit into the forbidden fruit, he passed sin onto every human that followed. His sin became our sin (Rm 5:12). Adam was humanity’s best chance to score the free kick. He was humanity’s best player. If he couldn’t do it, no one could.
He failed. In Adam’s fall, we sinned all. We’re born bad, despite what your mother tells you (Jn 8:44). We are not sinners because we sin. We sin because we are sinners. Not fair? We don’t want fair. We want mercy. Continue reading
“Our home doesn’t practice family devotions because we don’t have enough time.”
Well, God’s mighty hand has now given the whole world plenty of time. Corona will either expose this excuse as a lie or push Christian families into the godly habit of morning and evening Family Worship.
Start with one gathering a day. Assemble at a time when concentration is high. Aim for 15 minutes and see where it goes. Be sure all the readers in the family have access to a Bible. Get everyone involved. Continue reading
The Puritans said the benefits of family worship are so great they are “impossible to describe.” Nonetheless, in this series I’ll be attempting to highlight ten of its advantages.
The tenth benefit of homes gathering daily to read Scripture, sing and pray is that it builds good habits.
Tradition!Last week we learned the father should always lead in family worship, even if he’s not regularly the primary teacher. This will create family customs worth keeping.
Though the truths from Fiddler on the Roof came from “tradition”, they ultimately come from the Bible. It’s OK if a child says: “This is just they way we do things.” Later he’ll connect it to the Scriptures.
Who, day and night, must scramble for a living,Feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers?And who has the right, as master of the house,To have the final word at home?The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.
Perhaps the greatest benefit of consistent family devotions is that it makes the worship of God normal. It’s not unusual or forced. Parents must raise their children to feel a kind of uneasy grief (but not surprise) when they visit a Christian home where family worship is not present. Continue reading
The Puritans said the benefits of family worship are so great they are “impossible to describe.” Nonetheless, in this series I’ll be attempting to highlight ten of its advantages.
The ninth benefit of homes gathering daily to read Scripture, sing and pray is that it distinguishes gender roles.
Why doesn’t mama preach?A child may ask his father why women shouldn’t preach from the pulpit or pastor a church. He replies: “Because Scripture forbids it” (1Tm. 2:11-12; 1Cor. 14:34). Then he asks why mother or his older sisters sometimes teach the Bible story in family worship. He says: “Because the Bible encourages it” (Titus 2:4).
Family worship vividly applies the many Scriptural passages that speak about the roles of men and women.
Scripture encourages women to help teach the family at home. Timothy was taught the Bible from his youth (2Tm. 3:15). These lessons didn’t come from his father, who was an unbeliever (Ac. 16:1), but from his godly mother and grandmother (2Tm. 1:5). The command to “train up a child” in the Scriptures is for both parents (Pr. 22:6).
Though women should not formally teach the Bible to an assembled group of Christian men, they may teach anyone in informal settings. Priscilla sat down with her husband at the kitchen table and helped teach Apollos in Acts 18:26. The woman at the well taught the whole town in John 4:28-30. Even there, however, she wasn’t leading. Women shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions or make comments at Bible studies. The family will see this at home worship. Continue reading
The Puritans said the benefits of family worship are so great they are “impossible to describe.” Nonetheless, in this series I’ll be attempting to highlight ten of its advantages.
The eighth benefit of homes gathering daily to read Scripture, sing and pray is that it Improves the nation.
You can’t straighten oaksIndividuals compose a nation. Godly individuals make good countrymen. Because family worship helps form godly individuals, it also improves the nation. A tree cannot be straightened 20 years out. So raise your saplings early at home with God’s word.
Will a country not benefit when its citizens are learning daily character in the home like promptness, obedience, focus, and empathy. Won’t the streets be safer at night if the young men are at home being shaped by their fathers in prayer and Bible study? If children never learn to obey their fathers, they will struggle to submit to police, bosses and other authorities. Continue reading