– Paul Schlehlein

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When we consider a question like this, our first question should be: “Is this union honoring to God?” This is not the same question as: “Is this union honoring to my parents?” The two are often the same, but not always. 

Here are five marks of forming a marriage that God approves. 

(1) Conversion. Only a Christian may marry a Christian (2Cor. 6:14). God forbids inter-faith marriage (1Cor. 7:39), which only leads to heartache (Ex. 34:16). 

(2) Consent. Forced marriage is not marriage. Adam left his parents to cleave to his wife, showing volition. He came to her, showing it was not by force (Gn. 2:24). 

(3) Character. The bride and groom should share the same spiritual vibrancy. One may be more spiritually mature than the other but too great a divide will hamper the marriage. “Can two walk together except they be agreed” (Amos 3:3)? 

(4) Camaraderie. The man and woman should love and respect each other. “It is not good that man should be alone” (Gn. 2:18). Companionship gives wings to marriage. “The heart of her husband trusts in her” (Pr. 31:11). 

(5) Counsel. “A wise man listens to advice” (Pr. 12:15). “Where there is no guidance a people falls” (Pr. 11:14). What do godly people say about this potential marriage union? If you want wisdom, listen to advice (Pr. 19:20). 

This final mark leads to the crux of our question. What should couples do if mark #5 is lacking? Specifically, what if parents do not approve, or suggest a way forward contrary to what the couples wants? 

Here are three principles that a prospective couple should consider as they move forward.

1. Honor Your Parents 

Regarding the 5th Commandment, the Westminster Larger Catechism asks what it means to honor parents. The answer to Question 127 says it means “all due reverence in heart, word, and behavior; prayer and thanksgiving for them; imitation of their virtues and graces…” 

Suppose you have a man in his twenties whose parents aren’t believers and they don’t want their son marrying “that Christian girl”. He can still honor his parents showing to his mom and dad reverential behavior. He should thank them for every good gift they’ve bestowed to him. He should praise his fiancé so that he could gain their approval. He should genuinely seek their advice. He should say their advice matters to him. This is what Leviticus 19:3 means to “revere” parents.  

A vital way children honor their parents is by seeking their help and approval for marriage. Abraham found a wife for his son Isaac (Gn. 24:2-3). Isaac found a wife for his son Jacob (Gn. 28:2), Hagar found a wife for her son Ishmael (Gn. 21:21), and Naomi found a husband for Ruth (Ru. 3:1). Caleb agreed to his daughter’s marriage (Jos. 15:17) as did Saul (1Sm. 18:27).  

2. Sometimes, Disobey Your Parents

The WCF doesn’t say the 5th commandment = obedience, full stop. Obedience to parents (Eph. 6:1) does not mean blind obedience. The Catechism says this couple should give “willing obedience to their lawful commands and counsel.” Obedience is qualified to “lawful commands”. This means we’re not bound to obey unlawful commands. 

Obedience is always subject to Scripture first. We must obey God rather than men (Ac. 5:29). Jesus warned that allegiance to him would often mean a son was set against his father and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law (Mt. 10:35). This verse doesn’t give you permission to ignore your parents when they reject the boyfriend with a hundred body piercings. This verse does approve the man that marries his wife, against his parent’s counsel, because she wants to have lots of godly kids. There’s a place for godly disobedience, but tread carefully. 

When children reach their adult years, obedience shifts more to reference in relation to the parents. Paul told Timothy there would be times he would even need to rebuke an older man (1Tm. 5:1), but this should always done kindly and respectfully. 

3. Consider the Counsel of Others

Question 124 of the Larger Catechism asks: “Who are meant by father and mother in the fifth commandment?” Answer: “Not only parents, but all superiors in age and gifts.” Most parents know their children in a unique way. Most parents want what is best for their kids. But obeying the 5th commandment also means listening carefully to the counsel of other godly people in your life. What does your pastor say? What do your best friends at church say? What do your gray-haired fishing buddies say? “The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (Pr. 27:9). 

Let’s take a couple in their mid-twenties. They’re madly in love and want to get married within the year. HIs parents are church goers but not spiritually mature. They advise him to follow “culture” and marry at 30. Or, they tell him to wait three years until he can purchase a house and finish graduate degrees. What should he do? On one side, they know their child well. If he doesn’t finish the degree now, he never will. They know he struggles with impatience too. On the other hand, the man knows he’ll never stay pure for another three years. The fire inside is burning. Moreover, his parents have implied they could move in together before marriage. His faith would never allow him to do this. 

After getting advice from other godly couples, I can see wisdom meaning respectful disobedience to his parent’s counsel. I think it could be wise to marry his girlfriend within the year. He’s not disobeying the 5th commandment. He’s actually obeying it by listening to godly superiors. If the young man is a member of a solid church, you could make the case that he’s more bound to obey his elders than he is his parents (Heb. 13:17). 

One closing recommendation 

Besides the counsel above, let me close with one more practical word of counsel to a couple that finds themselves in a fix. They want to marry but they also want to honor the parents that don’t want them to marry. I’d encourage the two of them to pray together that God would frustrate all the bad advice that comes their way. “The Lord bring the counsel of the nations to nothing” (Ps. 33:10). 

They should pray in this way. “Lord, we’re just kids. Help us not to be puffed up with pride. Help us to follow the best advice we get. Give us a submissive heart and eyes to see. If we’re on the wrong path, show us. If we get bad advice, even if it’s from people we love, send it away. Destroy the wisdom of ‘the wise’ (1Cor. 1:19). Amen.”