–– Joe Shoko
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I have been a Christian now for 10 years, 5 of which have been spent on the mission field preaching, teaching, pastoring, discipling and observing. Apart from the rampant charismaticism we see these days, there is not a more perplexing and bewildering issue as single Christian men looking for a marriage partner.
Marriage was instituted by and is a gift from God. It was God Himself who said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18-24). When we read the Bible we quickly observe that God’s intention was that mankind even after the fall was not meant to be alone. The most famous Apostle, Paul, makes this clear in his first letter to the Corinthians where he points out that each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2). For many single Christian men, searching for a woman is an arduous task, not a joyful, hopeful exercise. This is because I believe that the woman they are looking for doesn’t exist. There are three possible reasons I would say so.
Firstly social and mainstream media have bombarded men with what the ideal woman is. This woman is characterised by ‘independence’, class, and has ‘got it going on.’ Growing up in a pornographic environment doesn’t help the situation. This ideal woman has a certain body type. She is the type of woman who is meant to break a few necks when she passes by. The Bible is not against beauty and excellence but teaches that beauty is fleeting and charm is deceitful. This simply means that because of the fall of man, we are all ageing and headed toward the grave. One who prioritises outward beauty will soon find out that what keeps the marriage intact is not the body or the face but it is something that has much more substance – the fear of the Lord. A Christian slay queen doesn’t exist.
Secondly, the idol of self is the reason why many Christian men struggle to pursue a godly woman in their local churches. We have been able to buy the lie that the world is all about me, myself, and I. It’s very common to hear someone basing their lack of marriage on ‘taste’. “Well, brother,” the conversation usually starts off, followed by a variety of taste-centered excuses. “I would like a white woman”, “I would like a black woman”, “I would like an Indian woman”, “She’s too dark”, “She’s too light”, “She’s too short, and she’s too tall.” What many have done is that they have fashioned for themselves a woman that suits their fantasies and will not dare move an inch toward any woman unless she meets those requirements. Where are these women? The answer is they don’t exist.
Thirdly, a popular term doing the rounds these days is ‘being red-pilled’. “It’s usually a reference to awareness that defies existing control and authority. Most accurately, it refers to the deliberate investigation of a topic, leading to a series of increasing revelations about “the truth.” This is in response to being ‘blue pilled’, which is seen as a sedative. Thus one who is blue-pilled is said to have been deliberately numbed to the truth.
There is a certain young man in Zimbabwe who has been able to garner fame for himself by appointing himself as the saviour of men. He claims to have access to the truth and is not afraid to speak up for men, his name is Shadaya Knight. His X account, (formerly known as Twitter) is awash with vitriol against women. Many young Christian men, pressured by this fame have espoused themselves to this way of living to the extent that they now view one who pursues marriage as weak. Moreover what they are taught to pursue is a life of promiscuity and irresponsibility. A godly Christian woman who would tolerate an everyday hailstorm of abusive language and chauvinistic behaviour doesn’t exist. She certainly wouldn’t tolerate the pursuit of a man who intends to treat her like a tool.
This is an area in the life of the church that is bound to be brushed aside as non-essential. However, I believe that it is essential for a younger generation of men in the church to be challenged regarding their influences and worldview. This is critical for the growth of the church and the passing on of the baton of the truth of the Gospel for generations to come.