Dear Tabitha,
I’m happy to see you growing into a godly young lady. You’ve overcome long odds having been raised in such a troublesome home.
Most children follow in the footsteps of their parents, whether they plan to or not. The kings of Israel epitomize this. Yet, here you are, growing like a weed spiritually and drinking God’s Word from a firehose—two peas in a pod—and here I am mixing three metaphors in one sentence and confusing you altogether.
You asked me recently about how to interact with your absent mother. While you’ve never known your father, your mom has always been “there” (kind of), which makes her absence all the more painful. Apparently, she never cared much for investing in you as a girl but instead focused only on herself. Now that you’re out of the house with a university degree and marriage prospects, all of a sudden she wants back into your life.
But even that’s questionable, you say, as maybe she’s only after financial help to overcome the bad decisions she’s made in life. You’re feeling manipulated. She’s quick to throw down the “I’m your Mother” card. She’s playing with your heart strings. “Funny”, you think. “What about all those years I cried ‘But I’m your daughter’?”
I’m writing this letter to warn you about some landmines on each side of the road. In avoiding one, you’ll be tempted by Satan to overcompensate, thus veering into another error, perhaps more perilous than the first. So consider the following five words of counsel.
HONOR YOUR ABSENT PARENT
First, it’s important that you always honour your mother, no matter what. This is a command you can never escape, like a leopard that can’t shake his spots. The 5th Commandment isn’t like a highchair, something you eventually outgrow. God says: “Honour your father and mother” (Ex. 20:12). Do this always, forevermore.
You are an adult, so this doesn’t mean you’re bound obey her commands, but this law does demand you show her respect.
“She doesn’t deserve my respect,” you’ve told me before. “Do you know what how bad she’s hurt me?” I know some, and I’m sorry. But the Westminster Shorter Catechism will help you on this point. It asks: “What is required in the 5th Commandment? Answer: “Have patience with [your parents’] weaknesses and shortcomings.”
The basis for honouring parents is never the high character of Mom and Dad. It doesn’t say: “Obey your parents because they’re good people.” Rather, the rationale for honour is that the Lord “commanded” it (Dt. 5:16) and it is pleasing in His sight (Col. 3:20; 1Tm. 5:4).
Since Jesus poured grace upon you, all of it undeserved, you should pour grace upon your mother, also undeserved. Never forget that the grace Jesus gives to you is abundant, “grace upon grace” John calls it (Jn. 1:16). And be careful not to use “spiritual reasons” to excuse dishonouring your parents, as the Pharisees often did (Mk. 7:10-12).
JUDGE NOT JUDGEMENTAL
Second, judge wisely the cause of your mother’s absence. The Bible doesn’t command us to avoid judging, only judgmentalism (Mt. 7:1). In fact, Jesus commands us to “judge with right judgement” (Jn. 7:24). So why exactly was she absent? Judge for yourself.
This is an important question because you may be harbouring anger for the wrong reasons. Consider the options for absentee parents. (1) Absent physically but present emotionally and for valid reasons (like a military Dad). (2) Present physically but absent emotionally and for valid reasons (like a Mom grieving her murdered child). (3) Absent physically and emotionally and for sinful reasons and so forth. My point is that not all nonattendance is equal. Stop and think about it. Can you see ways you’d have acted just like her if it weren’t for God’s special grace in your life?
BE DISCERNING
Third, be shrewd in the counsel you take from her. Honour doesn’t equal obedience. Sometimes parents give poor advice, especially absentee parents.
Consider the story of King Solomon and his mother Bathsheba. She had been manipulated by Adonijah and then tried to convince her son to give Abishag to Adonijah as a wife. So foolish was this request that Solomon firmly told his mother ‘no’ (1Ki. 2:22)!
Was Solomon an honouring son? Yes, he bowed before his mother (v. 19). Did he obey all of her counsel? Not hardly. He honourably disobeyed, which may often be your lot.
DON’T GET PLAYED
Fourth, beware of manipulation. There are three false witnesses that have mastered the art of manipulation. Watch out for these, even in your mother.
The first is the wily Uncle Unchangeable. He sees your conversion and doesn’t like it. As you join the church and seek to leave your old ways, he snarls: “You’ll never be like them. Stop trying to be something you’re not. You’ll always be like us!” Manipulative family members can sometimes talk this way. Here’s the verse to remember: “Children [shall not] be put to death because of their fathers. Each one shall be put to death for his own sin” (Deut. 24:16). The generational sins can end with you. Another excellent verse is 2 Corinthians 5:17, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
The second is Master Millstone. He relentlessly seeks to place burdens on your back. “I’m your father. You owe me a new car.” In Africa, this is known as the Black Tax. The issue isn’t one of provision (which is good) but payback, even the asker played no role in your life (which is bad). Second Corinthians 12:14 is a good reply. “Children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.”
The third is Dr. Dilemma. He loves false dichotomies. He’ll say: “It’s me or the church. Choose.” Don’t fall for this. It’s often not one or the other, but if this choice remains, respond with Luke 14:26. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
FOLLOW ADVICE
Finally, always seek the counsel of elder saints. The question is not if but which. Timothy’s father was absent, at least in the most important ways, so for life advice he turned to Paul, his “spiritual father”.
“A wise man listens to advice” (Pr. 12:15). If good counsel cannot come from your parent by human blood, it should come from your parent by Jesus’ blood. Yes, your earthly parent was absent. Now join a great church with mature saints and lean on some spiritual parents for counsel.
Conclusion
Knowing how to interact with your previously absent parent is not easy. Should I involve them in the wedding? Do I invite them to the birthday party? Do I help him or her financially? There are no easy answers to these questions.
But as you navigate this difficult terrain, here’s a good start. Always seek to honor your parents, judge while not being judgmental, be discerning, avoid manipulation and seek godly counsel.
Warmly, with affection, your Uncle,
Paul