–– Paul Schlehlein
The audio version of this article is available here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
In a now-deleted Tiktok rant, Elsa Majimbo roared to one of her parents: “I was born, I was raised, I grew up, now you’re asking me for money – you lazy [expletive]. I’m not feeding your habits.”
This is how some African adults feel today. They rage at the thought of supporting their parents, especially if it’s a delinquent Dad or Mom.
What should be the realistic expectations for adult children in caring for their parents? This is a common conundrum in Africa, where fathers and mothers often insist that their children finance them until death. But it’s not only about money. How should children interact with their parents’ transgressions?
Helping the Parent’s Moral Weaknesses
Previously we addressed the adult child’s joyful privilege to honor his parents through financial assistance—an activity always based on need and ability. Here we’ll observe the first of three specific ways adult children should care for their parents, which is to care for their moral weaknesses.
Our parents walked with us in our younger years of immaturity and we should return the favor by showing patience and giving counsel toward their sins.
In flies the argument: “My father’s a drunk.” “My mother blasphemes God’s name.” “My Dad can’t keep a job because of his drug addiction.” “My parents throw their money away at the Lotto.”
Biblical Examples
Today’s adult children should realise they’re not the first to be sinned against by parents. Consider the following biblical examples. Though Isaac sinfully favoured his son Esau (Gn. 25:28), Jacob still obeyed (Gn. 28:5) and honoured his father (Gn. 35:29). Jacob unfairly rebuked his son (Gn. 37:10), yet, Joseph honoured his wishes (Gn. 47:31) and met his physical needs (Ch. 47).
Saul sinned gravely against his son, cursing him in fits of anger (1Sm. 20:30), yet, Jonathan stood with his Dad until the final sword blow (1Sm. 31:2). Mary impulsively rebuked the Lord for going about his Father’s business, yet the Lord Jesus always obeyed (Lk. 2:51).
Proverbs 19:11 says it is the glory of godly children to “overlook an offence” by their parents. This is unlike Absalom, the wicked child who spied on the weaknesses in his father and exploited them. King David didn’t walk the State Capitol as often as he should have, allowing his son to fill in quickly and undermine him. Absalom wooed the crowds: “You’ve really got a strong case here! It’s too bad the king doesn’t have anyone to hear it. If I were judge…” (2Sm. 15:3-4, NLT). Godly children relieve the sins of their parents. Ungodly children reveal the sins of their parents.
Objection 1: “Are you saying I must aid and abet my parent’s sins, even at the cost of doing right?”
No. It is never right to do wrong. King Asa removed his mother from her duties because of her idolatry (2Chr. 15:16). This would be like a son refusing to attend the church where his mother is the preacher or a daughter spurning a family gathering where the parents are sacrificing a goat to the ancestors.
Jesus said love for Him must always supersede love for parents.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Lk. 14:26).
So, no, adult children mustn’t be complicit in the sins of their parents. But they should show honour to Dad and Mom, with the attitude ascribed in Question 127 of the Westminster Larger Catechism: “Bearing with their infirmities and covering them in love.”
Objection 2: “Does this mean I financially compensate for the sinful habits of my parents?”
It depends. There’s a big difference between paying the rent for your widowed mother that overeats and financing the birthday party of your father’s third wife.
Puritan William Gouge makes a helpful distinction, saying children should give financially to their parents, despite their sins, but only “when those who commit them do not make a game of them nor delight to live and stay in them, as pigs to wallow and lie in the mud, but only at some times, through temptations.” In other words, finance sinful lapses, not sinful habits.
Conclusion
Adult children should help their ageing parents with their moral weaknesses. As Martin Luther said: “Parents are not to be deprived of their honour because of their conduct or their failings. Therefore, we are not to consider who they are or how they may be, but the will of God, who has created and ordained parenthood.”