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Dear Joseph:
In just a few days you’ll turn the corner and find a “W”, “W” meaning both a wedding and a win. They’re equal, are they not? Scripture calls marriage a victory for both the man and the woman, a win for the man because now a helper stands beside him and a crown rests upon him. It’s a win for the woman because in front of her marches a protector, leader and provider.
You’ve heard about the honeymoon stage of marriage, that section of time when your beloved can do no wrong. In this stage, even her burnt casserole tastes finger-licking good. But in time you’ll discover that marriage takes work, because love is a choice and you’ll not be able to coast through marriage on romantic feelings. Many marriages end in divorce because the feelings end. They forgot that the covenant of marriage is an objective choice, not a subjective feeling.
There will be tough times in marriage, which you may discover on the very first night. When difficulties arise, where should you seek counsel? Should you talk to your parents? What if they are not believers? How much difference does that make? And what if there are no interpersonal problems in your marriage but you still need counsel on dozens of grown-up issues, like car payments, the children’s schooling, holiday gatherings, monetary support for siblings, and which church to attend?
Here’s a few biblical principles I think will help you navigate some of these issues when it comes to seeking counsel from unsaved parents.
First, children should always honor their parents.
The fifth commandment in Exodus 20 commands children to honor their father and mother. The Westminster Larger Catechism says this “honor” includes “reverence in heart, word, and behavior; prayer and thanksgiving for them; imitation of their virtues and graces; willing obedience to their lawful commands and counsels…”
Joe and his wife are Christians and married last year. His father never attended church a day in his life and his mother is a Christmas and Easter kind of attender. Even though their values run the opposite direction of almost everything Joe believes in, Scripture demands that he still honor them. He always speaks kindly and with respect. He opens the door for his mother and climbs the ladder for his Dad in order to clean the leaves out of the gutter. He thanks them for their virtues, which doesn’t include Family Worship and church attendance in his boyhood but does include a good work ethic, knowing how to cook excellent French Toast and tipping the waitress 20%. He learned that from his unsaved parents and he should thank them for that. When he does, he’s honoring Mom and Dad.
This puts money in the bank of respect. The next time Joe’s parents want to give him advice that contradicts Scripture, they’ll have more respect for Joe even though he declines their counsel because he’s given his life to honoring and respecting them.
Second, obedience is required of dependent children, not married children.
Children at home mustn’t only honor their parents but obey them. Take out the trash. Yes, sir. Come to the Anglican Church with us. Yes, ma’am. Absalom rebelled against his father by disobeying him. Rehoboam refused to listen to the counsel of his superiors and the Lord judged him for it (1Kin. 12).
But in adulthood, honor looks differently, especially in marriage. When a man and a woman become one flesh, this marriage bond takes superiority over every other earthly relationship (Gn. 2:24; Eph. 5:22-31). Now the man’s priority is making his wife happy, not making his mother happy.
Thus, his parents have no right to force his attendance with them at the Anglican Church. Attending might be right, or it might not be. Biblically, Joe can honor his mother and still say: no, ma’am.
There are times when even a child in the home must disobey his parents. We must never sin, even if our parents demand it. For example, suppose the bank comes to the door to settle the accounts and the father of 13-year-old Mike insists Mike tell them his parents are away on vacation. This he cannot do and he must ask the Lord for wisdom in how to go about disobeying. But Mike must always speak to his father with respect. Paul tells Timothy not to “rebuke an older man but encourage him” (1Tm. 5:1).
Third, the wise seek wise counsel.
“A wise man listens to advice” (Pr. 12:15). But do not seek just any advice. Only good counsel will benefit you. I’m privileged to have two godly parents. I cannot think of a time they ever gave me bad counsel. But stupid people give stupid advice all the time, so be careful who ask and what you follow. Balaam gave bad advice (Num. 31:15-16), as did Pharaoh’s Egyptian counselors (Isa. 19:11). Ahithophel should have known better but his terrible advice led to much bloodshed (2Sam. 15).
In time, you’ll learn where your parents excel in their counsel. For example, they may have unbiblical views on circumcision schools, prayers to ancestors, spending habits and alcohol consumption, but they may give stellar counsel on the job market and Christmas gifts. Learn to sift through the best advice.
Jethro gave great advice to Moses (Ex. 18:17-24) as did Daniel to the king (Da. 4:27). It’s remarkable that while Gamaliel did not stand with the Christians, he still gave great counsel (Ac. 5:38). There’s a lesson to be learned there for married couples with unsaved parents. God still uses them at times as channels of wisdom.
I hope this is helpful as you approach marriage. Enjoy the ride and give God the glory.
Your Uncle,
Paul