–– Matt Floreen
The audio version of this article is available here: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.
In today’s African dating scene, many single Christians find themselves caught between cultural expectations, modern pressures, and the timeless call to holiness. From Johannesburg to Lagos, the pursuit of love often feels more like navigating an overcrowded marketplace than building covenant relationships, as this recent article laments. The church has often lacked in providing biblical counsel on how to overcome the challenges. How should single Christians approach the issue of dating and finding a spouse?
Why are single Christians often confused about dating relationships? Here are three reasons:
1. Wrong authority
Worldly dating advice influences Christians more than they realise. Many ideas about dating come from social media, movies, and music, or simply observing the relationships of others. However, Christians should not be conformed to this world but be transformed by renewing our minds according to God’s truth (Rom 12:2). The Bible must shape our expectations.
2. Wrong goal
Some young Christians have searched their Bible for words like “dating” or “courting,” found some alien references to “betrothal,” and concluded that the Bible doesn’t have much to say about this stage of their lives.
Indeed, the Bible doesn’t frame the issue like a magazine cover or internet clickbait: “seven steps to flawless relationships” or “the five secrets of successful dating.” This does not reveal a problem with the Bible, but a problem with the way the reader is framing the questions. The Bible contains everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet 1:3).
Most importantly, the Bible tells us how sinful people can be reconciled to a holy God through faith in Jesus Christ. It also has much to say in two categories that are highly relevant for single Christians: Marriage and maturity. God’s Word presents clear commands, encouraging promises, and abundant examples so that Christians can glorify God in pursuing both of these.
This is helpful because finding a good route begins with having the right destination. Many young people jump into the vehicle of dating, driving quickly and aimlessly without a map or much petrol. But a biblical emphasis on maturity and marriage provides the destination and avoids serious wrong turns. A core takeaway is that Christian dating relationships can also be called godly premarital relationships.
3. Wrong Emphasis
With the Bible as our authority and the goal of dating as godly premarital relationships, the emphasis of dating will also change. Instead of starting with finding the right person, we must start with being the right person. Many young people believe they are single simply because they “haven’t found the right person yet” or “there aren’t many guys or girls in our community.”
While those may be factors, often they are overshadowed by patterns of selfishness or immaturity in their lives that are glaring to members of the opposite sex. As Jesus instructs us in Matthew 7, believers must first deal with the log in their own eye before removing the speck from another person’s eye.
So how can single Christians apply themselves to becoming the kind of person who is ready for marriage? Here are four pursuits that build marriage-ready maturity:
1. Love for God
In dating, as with all things, Christ must be our first love. Don’t make dating an idol. God will have no other gods before Him (Ex. 20:3). People often pursue a romantic relationship to feel “whole,” but it is Christ, not another person, who makes us complete (Col 2:10; James 1:4). The remedy for discontentment is not having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse, but in trusting in Christ (2 Cor 12:10; Phil 4:11).
Dating is also under the lordship of Christ. Even the closest relationship between husband and wife is secondary to their relationship with God (1 Cor. 11:3). Beware the temptation to date an unbeliever who serves another master (1 Cor 7:39; 2 Cor 6:14-18).
2. Love for Others
Like marriage, dating intersects with other relationships. Romantic love is not something to “fall into,” but to cultivate. Relationships with friends and family provide a training ground to develop habits of loving people that are essential in marriage, too.
Some biblical examples include serving people when they don’t deserve it (Rom 5:8), learning to communicate graciously (Eph 4:15), bearing others’ burdens (Gal. 6:2-5), and being attentive to the needs of others (Phil 2:3-7). While a worldly view of dating centres around getting from the other person, a godly marriage involves giving of oneself (Eph 5:28-30; 1 Pet 3:1-2).
3. Understanding Gender Roles
God has designed distinctive roles for husbands and wives. Young men and women will do well to develop the kinds of qualities that are required of them in marriage.
Young men can practice leadership by initiating godly actions with their friends. Guys can prepare to provide for a family by developing diligence at home and school so they’re ready to secure a job, and they can practice protecting the weak and vulnerable from harm and evil.
Young women can practice honouring their husbands by following other God-given authorities even when it’s difficult. She can learn to nurture younger children and care for sick family members. She helps her family succeed even when nobody notices.
4. Self-Control
Contrary to worldly advice to “follow your heart,” Christians should make decisions by biblical principles, not by feelings (Jer 17:9; Ps 42:11). We should guide our emotions with truth in the mind.
The teenage years bring powerful new passions, many of which need to be consciously directed towards the right place and time. Song of Solomon urges us three times, “don’t awaken love before its time.” Sexual immorality is a serious sin from which Christians must abstain and flee or face God’s judgment (1 Cor. 6:18-20; 1 Thess. 4:3-6; Heb. 13:4). Developing the self-control to fight that sin is beneficial for a wholesome marriage, too.
Growing in these four pursuits–love of God, love of others, gender roles, and self-control—is not only good preparation for marriage, but also for useful service to God.