–– Paul Schlehlein

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Throughout history, marriage has strengthened society while mere cohabitation has lit the fuse to destroy it. This poses awful news for many of the world’s nations—including Sub-Saharan Africa—where marriage rates are plummeting, and cohabitation stats continue to soar. 

In South Africa, for example, registered civil marriages went from over 186,000 in 2008 to nearly half of that in 2023. Approximately 61% of births in South Africa occur outside of marriage. So desperate is the situation that when I visit the homes of our village school children, even to ask about the whereabouts of the father often brings embarrassment.   

In this post I would like to give three reasons why cohabitation destroys a nation, a few common scenarios, and then close with some words of counsel and encouragement. 

Why Cohabitation Destroys

First, cohabitation is immoral. It disgraces a country’s flag, foundation, and faith. “Righteousness exalts a nation, but sin is a reproach to any people” (Pr. 14:34). Hebrews 13:4 says that a man and woman “honour” marriage when they enjoy sexual relations within wedlock but defile this sacred institution when cohabiting as boyfriend and girlfriend. The Scripture is straight as an arrow on this point (Prov. 5:15-23; Gal. 5:17-21; Col. 3:5). 

So when Barna states that over 40% of “Christians” think cohabitation is a good idea, we can only conclude that heaps of professing believers have never read their Bibles. In fact, couples that play house and do not repent will go to hell. First Corinthians 6:9-10 says: “Do not be deceived…the sexually immoral…will [not] inherit the kingdom of God.” 

Second, cohabitation is harmful. Statistics confirm the biblical warnings that children who grow up in cohabiting households face statistical disadvantages in wealth, crime, and academics. Despite the tragedy of broken homes, a child would better succeed if his parents married and divorced than if they merely shacked up. Nothing shapes the development of a child more than a married father and mother.

Third, cohabitation (sometimes called common law marriage) leaves one vulnerable. No African country recognises the US/UK-style “common law marriage,” meaning no matter how long a person and their unmarried mate have lived together, should they break up or one of them dies, neither will automatically carry any rights or protections afforded to a couple in a marriage or civil union. Matters like pensions, bank accounts, inheritance and property rarely pass off smoothly to a cohabitor. 

Three Scenarios

Notice how the church deals prudently with the following three scenarios of cohabitation.

Mike and Jenny are in their late twenties, have lived together for three years and have just begun dipping their toes in the water at church. For the next year, the elders evangelise the couple, invite them to their homes, and lovingly model godly marriage, all while preaching the gospel. Under great conviction, Mike and Jenny move into separate flats, six months later get married at the church, then are baptised and formally join the membership. 

Sifiso and Rhulani joined the church as singles years ago but have since moved in together. A decade earlier, the leadership of the church wisely prohibited any kind of cohabitation among members. They sit down with Sifiso and Rhulani and urge them to repent by living separately and considering marriage. The couple refuses, saying this matter is not the business of the elders. The church excommunicates them.

Hans and Lynette are in their sixties and have lived together for twenty years. All assume they are husband and wife, though there’s never been a wedding or marriage of any kind. She alone wants to join the church and believes their marriage is “common law”. The elders graciously show how marriage is a public covenant of commitment (Gen. 2:24) and that merely extending the years of immorality does not make it marriage. To join the church, she must move out. She vows to live celibate in a separate room, but the leadership retorts that this will only tempt her (Pr. 4:14-15) and hurt her testimony (1Pt. 2:12). She continues to attend the church but never joins. 

Solution

The church should implement the following four solutions to hookup culture. 

First, the church must give a clear definition of marriage, such as: marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman which is commenced by consent, confirmed by commitment, and completed by consummation. Mere cohabitation does not form a marriage, as Jesus told the woman at the well that the man with whom she lived was not her husband (Jn. 4:18). 

Second, the church must emphasise high-commitment relationships, as this is where people flourish best. Just as an employee works best for a boss they know won’t fire them on a whim, so children best obey heavily committed parents and couples easily love committed spouses. Low commitment becomes habitual, leading to a lack of responsibility in other areas. 

Third, the church must celebrate great examples of marriage by highlighting her members’ anniversaries and learning the secrets to their success. Give them heroes like Thembinkhosi Mahlalela, who at 101 years old has been married to his wife Florence for 74 years and counting. The church deserves to know how Flo could live with a man that long. 

Conversely, the church should warn the youth against celebrities that sneer at lifelong marriage. Who dominates the South African music scene more than artists that champion casual sex, challenge traditional norms, and treat intimacy as communal? Take the lustre off their halos by cheering on Diamond Anniversaries, like that of Ugandan John Bamureba and his wife Mary, aged 103 and 93 respectively, who recently celebrated 75 years of marriage.

Fourth, create healthy environments for singles to find camaraderie. Barna says that 84% list “determining compatibility” as the number one reason for cohabitation. But the best way to discover affinity for another is through refreshing interaction, shared goals, and wise counsel—not two years of a marital test-drive. 

Finally, point to Christ as the greatest model of commitment. Jesus did not come to earth with a tentative plan, with the goal to test the waters with sinners. Rather, He set His face like flint (Isa. 50:7), determined to shed his blood for his people’s salvation.